Time Will March On

Archaeologists in Guatamala have recently discovered a stunningly preserved mural that lays to rest any notion of the world ending in December, 2012. This new calendar spans about 7000 years, far beyond the supposed doomsday embraced by new agers and other pop culturists. The news was not well received in Washington and Sacramento.

“What the hell?” sputtered an administration official, who spoke under the condition of anonymity. “You mean we’re going to actually have to pay our bills?” 

The Democrats have long bought into the fantasy that they could run any kind of deficit in order to win the election this November, with the understanding that they wouldn’t be around to deal with the consequences. “Winning was always our goal,” said the unnamed bureaucrat. “We figured if we could keep the Republicans out of power until the shit hit the fan, we could go out on top.”

The Chinese communists, who are atheists that never bought into the pagan mumbo jumbo, are looking forward to renegotiating the massive loans that have kept America from spiraling into a full-on depression. “We’ll take Hawaii and Alaska and call it even,” said a smiling Ka Ching, Chinese minister of finance, while fumbling with his abicus. “We Chinese tend to look at these matters in terms of centuries.”

Meanwhile, Republicans look forward to trashing the Dems financial outlook in the coming campaign. “We’re not worried about those commies,” said a Romney spokesman. “We’ll just nuke our creditors and let the poker chips fall where they may.”

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7 Responses to Time Will March On

  1. Don Baumgart says:

    My colleague, Nuke Brunswick, believes the newly discovered calendar is a political ruse. Who would go to the polls in November if the electee, and the world, were not to be around for Romobama’s swearing in?

  2. Ryan Mount says:

    How much could we get for Hawaii and Alaska? For those who are obsessed with keeping the Union at an even 50, we could bring on Puerto Rico and Marshall Islands to replace them. Although if we bring on Puerto Rico, we’ll have to amend the Constitution making parades a civil right.

    • rlcrabb says:

      We paid 7.2 million for “Seward’s Folly.” Given that the transfer will include umpteen billion barrels of oil, the price should cover a good portion of the debt. Hawaii didn’t cost us anything, thanks to an enterprising group of Republican plantation owners, so it theoretically won’t be a loss. The Chinese have promised to nip the native Hawaiian separatist movement in the bud, and will refer to the new province as East Tibet.

  3. Michael R. Kesti says:

    Sure, there’s another Mayan calendar and the New York Times just happened to have 5000 words ready to print concerning Romney’s gay-bashing in his youth. Riiiiiiiight.

  4. Michael R. Kesti says:

    Oops, make that the Washington Post!

  5. TD Pittsford says:

    Oh, great! Now what am I going to do? I’ve maxed out my credit cards and borrowed as much money from my friends as I possibly can, made reservations in Las Vegas for a penthouse suite complete with hot and cold running hookers, a full bar, and a whole bucketful of $100 chips! So now you’re telling me I have to pay it all back? Since this whole thing was obviously engineered by the Obama administration in order to stimulate the economy, I now have to apply for bailout money. I haven’t heard back from them yet but I have high hopes. Maybe I’m not big enough to fail. Now that’s a discouraging thought.

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