Ranting season officially opens today with the beginning of the Republican convention in Tampa, Florida, although there is more rain than rant on the menu thanks to hurricane Isaac. UN scientists attempted to disrupt the event from their secret base off the coast of Africa using wind turbines and solar panels to stir up a little climate change. They only managed to conjure up a wimpy catagory two, and then they missed the target altogether. Their only consolation is they will shut down the tourist industry on the Red Gulf Coast for a few days.
It was ignored by the lefty press, but Republicans knew the score. Only big government liberals could miss the bullseye with a five hundred mile wide storm. They’ll blame it on a lack of funding, since most of their money went into parachuting an SUV Tourist-bot onto Mars to send pictures and spin donuts in the red sand.
At any rate, the storm did manage to slow things down. Joe Biden was supposed to show up with food stamps and innertubes for the anticipated flood victims, but was driven off by the twenty-foot long pythons that patrol the perimeter of the convention center. As many as ten occupiers are now occupying the inside of the deadly constrictors.
The immigrant snakes were the result of free trade policies encouraged by private industry engineers and Wall Street speculators looking to destroy the native habitat and open up the everglades to developers. Governor Rick Scott said the scheme would necessitate the arming of every able-bodied citizen, a long time goal of the GOP. Definitely a win-win for the Sunshine State.
But back to the Republi-con, or is it the Conservative Con? Con-con? With the cancellation of the opening ceremonies, conventioneers were treated to a private screening of “Leave It To Barack”, a new mockumentary detailing the life of the President from his conception by Beelzebub Trotsky and a gay raccoon to his rise in the Chicago Marxo-mafia. Of course, there are mysterious gaps, in which the viewer can only speculate what imagined debachery took place. Liberals immediately pointed to the use of the word “raccoon” as a dog whistle proving that all Republicans are racists.
It wasn’t so great for Ron Paul. The Romulans offered to let him speak, as long as he mounted the podium naked and in chains. Predictibly, Dr. No said no, and left with his contingent of freedom-loving malcontents. Libertarian Gary Johnson welcomed the homeless delegates into his tent, but cautioned them to bring their own food. “We Libertarians frown upon free lunches,” he quipped. The refugees gave him a standing ovation.
Yes, it’s been a slow start for the big party, but as Scarlett O’Hara said, “There’s always tomorrow.” Stay tuned.