Cultural Milestones

One of the reasons I felt the need to start this blog was the absence of a cultural overview on the local blogs. Sure, we have the usual left/right politics, impassioned opinions on climate change, economic theory,  healthy lifestyles, and other supposedly serious subjects, but what about the soft, tattooed underbelly of human achievement? As they say on Star Trek, “Where no man has gone before.”

One of the bold advances in the field of alcoholism is the practice of butt chugging, which is an improvement on the classic enema. One simply imports liquor through a hose in the drainpipe, bypassing the filtering effect of the liver and delivering an intoxicating stupor and sore colon to the recipient. I can see fantastic marketing opportunities. Package it in long neck squeeze bottles and sell them in six-packs. The box wine people have already deveolped a huge bladder which could easily be adapted with the addition of a hose.

The latest distraction in the world of body art is known as bageling, which involves fracking your forehead with some chemical goo, producing a huge lump that resembles a bagel or maybe a lumpy rhinoceros horn. It’s a big hit in Japan. Personally, I think it would be easier on the head to put cream cheese on a real bagel and stick it on. That is, unless you want to have stretched out skin hanging over your eyes when the swelling goes down. On the other hand, maybe that would spark a new fashion craze. The possibilities are infinite.

In the world of culinary experimentation, a brave volunteer has given his life to expand the limits of the stomach’s endurance. It happened in Florida at a pest-eating contest. The winner had ingested a barrel full of cockroaches with worm topping, then keeled over. If he had lived, he would have won a live python, which he no doubt would have choked on anyway. The other contestants suffered no ill effects, although several sprouted feelers on their noggins.

Finally, there is uncertainty in the pork market. The success of bacon-related products has exceeded the available supply. You can get bacon milkshakes and sundaes, baconaise, bacon bits, and some folks wear bacon clothes. Plus, more people are eating pork since the price of cow went through the roof, and the other white meat is due for a price spike. We’ll have to choose between pork or gas. Bummer. 

There are security considerations as well. In this dangerous world, we can not afford to have a pork gap. The Pentagon has been working on a porcine weapon of mass destruction for many years, ever since the late Frank Zappa suggested it in his autobiography. There are detailed classified plans that call for burying Iran under ten feet of  raw bacon. Those that are not killed by the impact of the falling pork would be forced to commit suicide under Islamic law. The biggest problem the military eggheads have to overcome is the unintended possibility of a melting fat slide that could clog up the Straits of Hormuz, blocking oil shipments to the West. But then again, maybe they could convert the fat into energy and spawn the development of the flying pigmobile. 

You have to have a positive outlook on these things. It’s just progress. Get used to it.

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16 Responses to Cultural Milestones

  1. Eric Bare says:

    You have way to much time on your hands Bob.

  2. Ryan Mount says:

    If we have enough time to engage in butt chugging, we are clearly better off than our forefathers (pardon the patriarchal language). I’d hope that people would appreciate this new-found privilege. That appears to not be the case.

    Or as a friend once pointed out to me when I was in a fit of depression, “Ryan, do you think a African being chased by a hippo (they’re mean SOBs; the hippos, not the Africans) has time for depression?” Good point.

  3. Judith Lowry says:

    Butt Chugging?
    Well, bottom’s up!

  4. Todd Juvinall says:

    Now if they could figure out how to butt chug bacon.

  5. I suspect the dude who died got a couple of roaches who samples poisons that didn’t work on them, but did on him. Added to the Darwin’s award list.

  6. tom odachi says:

    Man! I’ve done some crazy shiz in my day. I’ve probably tried just about every legal, illegal, foreign, and domestic substance known to man — but never would have thought to pour perfectly good liquor in my butt. A warm rice wine, maybe.

  7. You’re right. My cultural overview has been enriched now that I know butt chugging exists.

  8. Actually, there isn’t much worth reading in FoodWineArt, unless you like re-worked press releases.

  9. TD Pittsford says:

    Since I’m never certain when RL is yanking my chain, I had to Google “Bageling”. According to the results BAGELING has something to do with goyem identifying persons of the Jewish persuasion. It wasn’t until I added “…in Japan” that I got the altogether too horrifying truth, just as R.L. claimed. People, THERE WERE PICTURES! If anyone thinks tats and piercings are examples of personal mutilation check out this, the latest insanity, which no doubt will hit our country like the blight it is. We’ve GOT to stop it before it spreads uncontrollably. I suggest that if you see someone sporting this bodily “enhancement”, you either point at them and laugh vigorously, or puke in the nearest container, preferably the indentation in the bagel. That ought to at least discourage them, don’t you think?

  10. Michael R. Kesti says:

    In Michigan’s Upper Peninsula that sign in the photo would read, “GRACH SALE.”

  11. Tom Odachi says:

    Regarding body art… As a teen, I remember the only tattoos to be found were Harley-Davidson tats, and the only piercings were single earrings in the left ear of some daring men (usually found on the same guys with the Harley tats).

    The only other tattoos I can remember were faded Navy anchors found on some of the elderly gentlemen, and the only other piercings were a single earring in the right ear of gay men (who were also quite daring for the time).

    Today everybody has ink and jewelry adorning their bodies and faces! We probably all know somebody who has one of those cute little butterfly tats on their ankles, or some tribal ink around their biceps. Now everybody looks like everybody! You can’t even tell who the bikers are anymore, or the veterans, or the gays! How are we supposed to know who to stay away from?!

    It was so much easier to discriminate back then… life was so much simpler!

  12. Tom Betterman says:

    One other good reason for your blog. Rebane does say he is not blocking me, but it is now impossible for me to post there. Tried using Facebook, Twitter, LiveJournal, and WordPress. I can log into all of those just fine, but still cannot post at Rebane’s Ruminations. I guess they are getting unhappy with the upcoming elections.

    So, here rather than there: Ryan probably doesn’t know the difference between a clean and dirty cooking utensil, unless he had one of each, and then he’d probably try to sell you the dirty one as “clean.”

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