Rights Of The Living Dead

Zombie299All Hallow’s Eve is almost here, which means that the dead will walk among us once again. In light of the current trend toward inclusion, we must grapple with how the undead are treated by us, the living. Are zombies human beings? Do they have rights? Who are we to judge them? Are they entitled to afterlife, liberty, and the pursuit of happiness?

There are many questions. For instance, if Uncle Willy gets zombie-chomped and realizes that he will soon become a drooling, mindless creature from a B-movie, will he change his will to use his “life” savings to maintain his condition in comfort? Will he still be eligible for social security, disability and medicare? If the politicians in Washington think they had a problem with those programs going broke before, they’ll really freak out when millions of Willys eat up every nickel in the trust fund.

Discrimination: In this politically correct atmosphere, is the word zombie a slur? Would it not be better to address them as the life-impaired? Being that their mental condition is, shall we say, limited, would they have the right to convalescent care like dementia and alzheimer’s patients? We certainly don’t stick a crowbar in Uncle Willy’s forehead when he can’t remember where the bathroom is.

Can you marry a zombie? Or if you were married to someone who becomes a zombie, would the “in sickness and health” clause still apply? If you decide to divorce, would community property laws be upheld?

What about driver’s licenses? Jury duty? Do you want zombies in the school shower with your daughter? And being that the zombie’s mission is pretty much restricted to eating the brains of the living, where can we incarcerate all these potential Jeffrey Dahmers? In California, we don’t even have room for living criminals.

Politics will play heavily in a zombie world. Compassionate Democrats will see a chance to increase their influence. It’s not like the old days in Chicago when the dead voted through surrogates. Now they can lurch into the booth by themselves. Liberals will shower them with programs and free brain lunches as long as they can make an “x” on a ballot.

Conservatives, on the other hand, will fight the zombies, on religious grounds if nothing else. There is only one dead man walking as far as they are concerned. And besides, they’ve been preparing for the offal to hit the oscillating fan for decades. They’ll finally have a reason to use those storehouses full of AK47’s and grenade launchers.

So it will be tough times for zombiekind, until the Supreme Court rules one way or the other. If there is one group that will profit from the coming apocalypse, it will be the lawyers. They are already used to the smell of rotten clients.

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22 Responses to Rights Of The Living Dead

  1. Michael Anderson says:

    Just wonderful, Bob.

    They’re everywhere. Here’s one example: http://imageshack.us/a/img801/8877/vwzj.jpg

  2. Michael Anderson says:

    Here’s another: http://imageshack.us/a/img802/1254/t24o.png

    I’ll be glad when January is finally here.

  3. rl crabb says:

    Here’s another complication. The dead just refuse to give up the ghost…
    http://www.huffingtonpost.com/2013/10/21/dying-process-halt-life-death_n_4136155.html

  4. Chris Peterson says:

    I gotta’ argue your depiction that zombies aren’t already conservatives. Just the fact that they eat brains, and will therefore go after only liberals, is proof enough.

    The second point is that being a zombie is a result of an infection, rather than a free-will decision; certainly in line with the conservative thought process.

    Either way; we should send the brain-eating ghouls to Washington, where they will no doubt starve to death.

    (Easy kids, it’s all in fun.)

    • Greg Goodknight says:

      “(Easy kids, it’s all in fun.)”

      That’s what bigots say when telling a joke they should have had the sense to keep to themselves.

      • Chris Peterson says:

        “That’s what bigots say when telling a joke they should have had the sense to keep to themselves.”

        That’s the kind of extreme character comparison that some people use when their first impulse is to argue rather than laugh. (Jon Stewart must really piss you off.)

        Not to mention your logic:
        A bigot makes fun of other ethnic groups, and you just made fun of conservatives, therefore, you are a bigot, or
        The world is round, and oranges are round, therefore, the world is an orange. Bwahaha!

        Lighten up, dude.

        • Greg Goodknight says:

          From Meriam-Webster:
          Bigot:: a person who strongly and unfairly dislikes other people, ideas, etc.

          There was no logic involved, just a minimum literacy which included knowing bigotry isn’t just racial and never has been. The shoe fits, CP, and you are wearing it.

          • Michael Anderson says:

            Grump.

          • Chris Peterson says:

            Damn. And I paid a lot of money for these locally made Keen boots.

            Sorry Greg; you’re still not getting to me. Back to the dictionary, old boy.

          • Douglas Keachie says:

            Glad to see my “Grumpy Cat” characterization is alive and well, for our very own flightless bird.

          • Greg Goodknight says:

            “I gotta’ argue your depiction that zombies aren’t already conservatives. Just the fact that they eat brains, and will therefore go after only liberals, is proof enough.

            The second point is that being a zombie is a result of an infection, rather than a free-will decision; certainly in line with the conservative thought process.”

            The whole “conservatives are stupid” meme is pure bigotry and I say that as someone who can convince any conservative that I’m not a kindred spirit. Brain dead progressives are harder to convince.

          • Chris Peterson says:

            “and I say that as someone who can convince any conservative that I’m not a kindred spirit.”

            Your ability to convince a conservative of anything notwithstanding, your constant disclaimer is right up there with:
            “I am not a doctor, but I play one on TV”.
            It sure sounds like the old adage that something repeated continuously will become accepted as truth.

            As many times as you have told us this, I went back through the blog to find instances where you have defended something considered liberal with the opposite disclaimer, and came up with zero.
            If it talks like a conservative, and walks like a conservative; it’s a conservative. Question is: What possible advantage do you see in trying to convince us that you are anything but a conservative? That we would somehow take your words as impartial observations if we believed you? That what you say should be viewed as non-partisan wisdom? Not happenin’.

            Another point would be that you could transpose liberal for conservative in my comments and I would still find the humor in it. Not something a “bigot” could say of their humor.

          • Greg Goodknight says:

            In concert with the zombie thread, CP, I already said it’s harder to convince a brain dead progressive.

            It remains that I’m not a conservative, have never been a Republican and it was people like you who convinced me not to be a Democrat anymore.

            Were there a significant number of Republican conservatives posting here you’d have a better chance of finding the sorts of posts you say you were looking for, but Bob’s audience is a little lopsided.

            CP, I’m not in your tribe which leads you to believe I’m in the tribe you hate. I’m not.

          • Chris Peterson says:

            “it was people like you who convinced me not to be a Democrat anymore.”

            As a devout and registered independent, I’ll take that as a compliment. Glad people like me could help you realize that neither party give a horses patoot about your well-being. It’s all smoke and mirrors, which I’ve alluded to many times.

            As far as being in ANY tribe; it would deny you your God-given talent to argue with everything.

            “It is the mark of an educated mind to be able to entertain a thought without accepting it.” —Aristotle

            Fear not, you’re among friends; you can argue the points of both sides without being labeled.

          • Greg Goodknight says:

            “Another point would be that you could transpose liberal for conservative in my comments and I would still find the humor in it. ”

            I wouldn’t, especially when it seems clear the person making the joke about liberals being stupid really thinks liberals are stupid. Bigotry isn’t funny to me.

          • Chris Peterson says:

            I fail to see any humor in most of your comments yet, still I laugh. Guess it depends on one’s outlook on life.

            My favorite sports photo is of a NBA championship game between the Celtics and Lakers, with only seconds left on the clock, and Parrish and McHale are straining, jumping, and reaching as high as possible at the top of the key to block Magic Johnson’s shot to win the game. And in that moment when the two taller defenders are grimacing with determination…Johnson is SMILING!

            http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=2fySp51bhsQ

            Lakers 107 Celtics 106

            Life is all in the way you look at it.

  5. Ryan Mount says:

    Of course you can marry a divorced Zombie. You just can’t be a divorced Catholic Zombie. (Maybe the new Pope might make an exception, but I doubt it).

    You’ll have to convert to being a Unitarian. They’ll take Zombies.

  6. Don Baumgart says:

    Take a look at any pedestrian footage shot on any American sidewalk. The people are walking with cell phones pressed to their ears. What are they all saying? “Phones. phones, PHONES!

  7. Greg Goodknight says:

    RL, marriage vows typically include a “till death do you part” clause. Two zombies who were previously married to each other in life would need to renew their vows. Maybe take a blood test.

  8. Why are people so fascinated by creatures that don’t exist? Isn’t the real world scary enough?

  9. Brad Croul says:

    Perhaps “room temperature residents” would be a kinder, gentler, more neighborly moniker.
    I can see it being somewhat difficult for the Census bureau when they come by to count how many people are “living” in a particular residence.

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